Published in "Midnight Zoo™" Jan/Feb 1991

Copyright 1991-1998 Churchill Mallison

THE BIGGIE

Clifford Mason looked down on the body. God, what a mess. He'd often wondered how he'd feel if he saw a body mutilated like that. He'd always figured that first he'd go woozy and then probably throw up. He did neither. In fact, he didn't feel much of anything.

A semi had creamed the little compact car. Couldn't even tell what kind of car it was anymore. He looked around at the people who gathered. The scene was sufficiently gory that most onlookers fled in horror with indigestion. The driver of the semi, a young black man, sat on the median curb crying and vomiting.

Seemed like forever before the police came -- and it was another forever before the ambulance and its clean-up crew arrived. Traffic hung up for miles. He wondered why he hung around. Morbid curiosity?

When the ambulance crew arrived, it only took one look to determine whether or not the man was alive. Forget it. His head wasn't entirely severed, but for all practical purposes, it was. It took a couple of hours to cut the remains loose. Once they finally removed the body, Clifford Mason left.

That is, sort of. Actually, it wasn't exactly leaving that he did. The scene just faded away, like a fade-out in a movie, to pitch-black nothing. Clifford Mason sat down -- well, it felt like sitting -- there wasn't anything to sit on -- or with. Confused, bitter, angry, frustrated, he didn't have the foggiest idea what he was supposed to do. So he just sat in this black nothing looking around.

Clifford Mason had a million damned things to do at home! The timing stunk! There was the board meeting at the bank for one thing. The big merger teetered right on the brink of settling, and now this. He grinned at a thought. Alfred McMichael would find out now how valuable Clifford had been. Now that old Cliff was gone, McMichael, the limelight stealing bastard, would find out! Clifford hoped McMichael blew the deal, then everyone would know who'd gotten things done around there. He reveled in these thoughts briefly.

And his wife. What would she do without him? She was pushing fifty, long past her prime, and probably nobody would ever look at her again. She'd have a mighty long run as a widow. If she was careful, though, and followed the instructions he'd left, she'd be financially secure. Assuming no expensive illness took her out.

Reality crept back in despite his efforts to keep it at bay. He was terrified. Nobody had ever prepared him for being dead.

He looked down to check himself out. He saw something like a mist through what he supposed were something like eyes. Only there was nothing solid he could see or feel. He no longer had sensations in the usual sense, but he felt okay. He didn't linger on these discoveries; he couldn't handle them yet.

The kids will miss me. Karen and Bobby. Thank God I got them through college before this happened. Marie would have died, so to speak, if she'd been left with two kids to support.

How do I move?

He moved effortlessly with the mere thought of it. It felt peculiar. He didn't walk, he just appeared at the place he'd subconsciously decided to go. The place was simply somewhere else in this black hole. It was no place -- maybe it wasn't even .... Maybe he wasn't really dead; this was a nightmare.

He sat down again, figuratively speaking. Clifford Mason was depressed as hell. And lost.

"Cliff? Clifford Mason? I'll be damned, is that you?"

A voice came to him through the void. A man materialized from nowhere and hurried towards him, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"I'll take life," Clifford tried to laugh, but frankly, he felt spooked. He wouldn't be caught dead talking to a ghost -- and here he was one!

They began walking. At least that's what it felt like, like walking down a road. All you had to do was imagine you were walking. But you didn't see it. All you saw was this crazy black void with no shape, no smell, no visibility. But it was there and you could travel through it.

Finally they came to a place where two lights, seemingly in opposite directions, glowed in the distances. One light was blue-white and it hurt your eyes to look at it. The other light glowed sleazy yellow like a low wattage bulb. They paused for a moment in the journey. Then Buddy Wilson turned towards the amber flame.

"That way?" Clifford squeaked.

"Of course."

"Isn't that hell? I mean, well, even back on earth we heard about the lights. The white light is heaven and the red light is hell."

Buddy Wilson about died laughing. He thought Clifford was the funniest thing that'd ever hit the void! When he got through haw-hawing, snuffing, and wiping his nose, he tried to explain.

"Oh, man, ain't your memory come back yet? I know you ain't no new soul!"

Clifford's distress squinched up his eyes. Things grew murkier by the minute.

"Cliffie, baby, forget all those silly things you heard on earth about heaven and hell. Reality is life or death. That simple. You come with me and you'll have eternal life. You go to the great diamond in the sky, and you'll get death in capital letters."

"How do you know?"

"I don't. Alls I know is nobody that ever went there was heard from again. Poof! Gone! Eaten by that flame. Now if there's a hell, that's got to be it."

"What happens on your side?"

"Listen."

Clifford listened.

"What do you hear?"

"Sounds like a party."

"Well, it isn't all parties, but that is what you hear. Somebody's throwing a bash. You don't go in for parties, a little too soon for you, take a walk in a meadow and relax. Man, you can do whatever you want to do. Now, come on, 'cause I gotta get back."

"I gotta go in with you?"

"Hell no. You can hang around out here all you want. Make your mind up whenever you feel like it. No pressures out here, babe. Just come on in whenever you're ready. But listen, see you there. Okay?"

"Yeah, you go on ahead, Buddy. And, hey, thanks. You've been a big help. But things are ... just moving a little fast. Know what I mean?"

"Sure. Hey, Cliffie, really great seeing you again. And for God sake, don't burn out in the diamond! Too much living to do!" Buddy Wilson left.

Clifford Mason, skeptic as hell, trembled. How did he know that wasn't the devil himself trying to tempt him? Besides, remember old Buddy Wilson back in high school? Always up to no damned good. Hell, he flunked lunch.

Clifford wasn't aware of sleeping but apparently he'd stopped thinking for a while, which, in this place, was like sleeping. Awareness seeped into his consciousness like a slinking dog scared of his shadow.

A decrepid man painfully walked towards him along the invisible pathway. It appeared to take all his strength to place one foot in front of the other. The shriveled, white-haired old gent sported a lumpy aquiline nose hugely out of proportion with his withered face. He feebly tipped a dusty bowler. "Evenin' sir," he mumbled with a cockney accent. "Gunna catch your death sittin' out here."

"Just wanted a minute to contemplate."

"What's to contemplate. You go that-a-way. Always go that-a-way."

"I'm told I can go the other."

"Eh? Who told you that?"

"Buddy Wilson."

"I know hundreds of Wilsons. Think you can go that-a-way?"

"Sure, if I decide to."

"Prove it."

"Prove it?"

"Yeah. I'm bettin' you can't walk in that direction. Do it, smart ass, I wanna see ya do it!"

Clifford, amazed at the old codger's belligerence, rose to his feet as ordered and took a few steps in the direction of the white light.

"Humph!" snorted the crotchety old man. "Humph! Sos, you're a new soul. Ain't seen one in centuries. Well, so sit out here and contemplate until hell freezes over. See if I care." The old man shuffled on his way.

Clifford watched until the old man disappeared. After a while he turned and stared in the opposite direction. The beautiful blue-white light beckoned to him. He felt a peace flow over him, drawing like a magnet. He moved towards it, then hesitated.

"Temptation is a bitch sometimes, isn't it," a woman's voice interrupted his tranquility.

Clifford Mason turned around. A woman with hair and eyes the color of coal and lips red as cherries smiled at him. Her radiance softened with empathy making her even more beautiful. A white gown whispered about her subtle body like a sigh. Airy as angel feathers.

"Angel ...."

"Beg your pardon?" she asked.

"You look like an angel. Are you an angel?"

"No. Just an old soul."

"An old soul. I keep hearing that expression. What does it mean?"

"Obviously you aren't one."

"Keep hearing that, too. You want to tell me what it means?"

"Sure." She reached out a hand to him and drew him to her. "You are a new soul, that is obvious because you have a choice. You can choose to go that way," she nodded towards the white flame. "Or you can follow me and have eternal life."

"Eternal life. Heaven?"

"There is no heaven or hell, Clifford Mason. You choose life or death. I can't swear the white light is death, all I can tell you is that souls who traveled there vanished forever.

"Please come with me and have life eternal. You will learn to create your surroundings here for the interim. You will live again and again on one of the planets. You will experience all eventually. I've lived some really exciting lives. Once I was a politician. Corrupt as hell. That was fun."

Clifford Mason stared at her in amazement. "What about the ones that weren't so much fun?"

"I've been a slave in Egypt. A Jew. But I was a handsome and strong man and treated well. I am returning now from France where I lived as a film star. A jealous lover murdered me."

"It doesn't bother you?"

"You must remember the pain to grow, but the good memories linger, too."

"How many lives ...."

"A new soul, I've only been around six times. Some of the old souls can be really uppity sometimes. But, well, it beats dying. If you want to come in with me, I'll be happy to show you around."

"Temptation's great. But, I think I'll sit it out a while longer. I'm not ready to decide the biggie yet."

"Suit yourself. I must leave. Having just returned, there is much for me to assimilate before I can move forward. Good luck, Clifford Mason. I hope you take my advice and come on inside. We would hate to lose a good soul like you."

Clifford shuttered when she turned away and left. First they sent out a guy from his high school days, then they sent out this beautiful woman. The only one who didn't try to sell him was the old man. Clifford wondered if Satan was behind all this. Why didn't anyone try to tempt him to the white light -- especially if it was evil?

Clifford felt a surge of rage. Why, after putting up with life on earth, did he have to be placed in such a horrible situation with no way to gather information so he could make an intelligent decision? He slammed his fist on his knee and bellowed his anger to the void.

Time did not exist. Clifford had trouble accepting that at first, but since the sun did not rise periodically to break time into sections, time became the black hole. No one else happened along so Clifford began wandering. He avoided both lighted places. He moved about freely and exploring eased his growing impatience. Clifford wondered if he could find his way back to earth for a look. Peek in on his family. See what happened to the bank. However, through all his wanderings, he never found the way.

Clifford Mason eventually returned to the divided path. Both lights twinkled like brilliant stars in the universe. He sat down right in the middle of the fork of the road. No longer miserable, he'd gotten used to moving about and he could see himself again. He'd managed to visualize his hair back and lose fifty pounds, and he looked pretty damned good. He'd run out of things to do and grew bored. It was time to make the decision.

He jumped up and started moving towards the white glow when he heard another soul calling him. He turned and saw Buddy Wilson running towards him. Buddy frantically waved his arms.

"Cliff! Cliff! Don't do it, Cliff!" Buddy Wilson ducked his head and ran hard. Finally he reached the cross roads.

"Hey, man! You're going the wrong way! Boy, am I glad I decided to see what was keeping you!"

"Wilson, why don't you come with me. This is the way to God. I can feel it. As soon as I stepped one foot in this direction I felt love. Peace permeates my soul. I feel so wonderful, Buddy. And all I had to do was step on this path!"

"I can't, Clifford. Once I chose this path I can't travel on that one. Not even a step. It's a safety against deception. Believe me, Clifford."

"Will you give me some straight answers, Buddy?"

"I'll tell you anything I know. Just ask. You can still come back, Clifford. It isn't too late until you reach the light. But once you do, well, that's it."

"You keep telling me you have eternal life."

"Yes, you'll never die. Well, you die on earth, but your soul never dies."

"And you have to go back."

"Yes. You always have to go back again. At least until you have experienced all things. But you can take a break. I mean, you don't just go from the coffin to the womb -- that's be a little too much even for a tough old soul. Hell, first time I went back too fast and aborted."

"Can you choose your lives?"

"You get to choose every thirteenth time. Rest is pot luck. Otherwise, hell, we'd all be rich and comfortable and nothing would be gained. I mean, growth is the whole thing."

"Is there ever an end? I mean, can you reach a point where you don't have to go back."

"Well, it takes a lot of living to experience all things. I don't know of anyone that's obtained wholeness yet."

"Man, trouble is, just like when you were in high school, you never think! I mean, never being able to die! To quit! Living is struggle from one end to the other. Death on earth is the pits. No way. I'll opt for eternal peace any time. I would say thanks, Buddy, but frankly, I think you're up to your old tricks. Hope you don't get eternally dizzy from that crazy merry-go-round."

Clifford Mason felt the warmth of satisfaction flood his soul as he turned his back on his old school friend and walked towards the heavenly glow. Peace flooded through him like purest love. Just one unpleasant thought vaguely echoed -- thank God he trusted his instincts. Never could trust mankind. It was each soul for himself. He heard Clifford still calling to him as he reached the edge of the dazzling brilliance. He did not turn around to acknowledge the evil that tried to keep him from his chosen fate.

He stepped inside.

In a flash his soul shattered into millions of screaming agonies. Each agony believed this was but an initial reaction that would pass and evolve into the longed-for tranquility. But the force shattered each agony into a million more and each agony was fully aware that he was Clifford Mason and he'd found a hell far worse than any religion on earth could imagine. The agonies kept multiplying.

The blue-white light shown a little brighter.